Les Miserables: The Real Story
by The Lark
Summary: Very bizarre. Very, very, very bizarre. This is what Les Miz would have been like if Victor Hugo had been high while writing it.


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The Real Story

By: The Lark

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Disclaimer: I don't own Les Miserables *sigh*. It belongs to Victor Hugo *darn genius*. I am just a simple high school kid trying to pass a long boring day at home with the flu. I realize that this is ultimately stupid, and if you decide to run away screaming, I'll understand

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Digne, 1815

Bishop Bienvenue: *opens his door_* _Oh, look, a poor homeless convict. Come on in

Valjean: *brightens* Wow, thanks. You won't believe the time I've had since I got out of the slammer. _*sniff_* Everyone thinks I'm a thief. _*_notices the silver_* _Oooh! Shiny stuff! _Yoink_!

The Bishop's sister: _*_whacks her brother with a handy silver candlestick_* _Seventy-eight sets of silverware we've lost that way. A normal man would learn, but nooooo! Not Charles-Francois-Bienvenue Myriel *continues to whack him_*_

Valjean: _*_doubles back_* _More shiny stuff!!! _*_grabs candlesticks*

The Bishop: *gratefully_* _Take them!

Valjean: *happily obeys* Gee, what a nice man! Thanks, Bishop

The Bishop: No prob. I have to do ninety-seven Random Acts of Kindness anyway as punishment for that *ahem* unsavory incident with the Archbishop's kid sister

Valjean: *snickers under his breath* Oh really?

Bishop Bienvenue: *scowls* Shut up, you. I'm the saintly one here-I'll ask the questions, thank you!

Valjean: _*_annoyed*Oh yeah? I could be just as saintly as you if I wanted

Bishop: *indignant* Could not!

Valjean: Could so!

Bishop: Could not!

Valjean: Could so!

Bishop: Could not!

Valjean: Could so!

Bishop: Could not!

Valjean: Could so!

Bishop: Could-

The Bishop's sister: *cuts him off, yelling from the doorway* Charlie, shut up and get in here before I have to whack you with the spare candlesticks!

The Bishop: *feebly claims the last word* Could not *scurries back inside*

Valjean: *shakes a fist menacingly at the closing door* Oh yeah? I'll show him!

****

M_____ sur M______, still 1815

Valjean: *thoughtfully wanders down the road.* Let's see, saintly stuff, saintly stuff…*picks up a silver coin* Ooh, more shiny things!

Petit Gervais: Hey!

Valjean: Shut up, kid, I'm trying to think of ways to out-saint that dumb priest…

Random Citizen: *runs out of flaming building* My baby! My baby!

Valjean: *perks up* That'll do! *strikes heroic pose* Don't worry-I'll save him! *runs in and reappears with an injured boy in his arms*

Random Citizen # 1: Hooray!

Random Citizen #2: What a cool guy!

Random Citizen #3: Let's make him mayor!

Valjean: *begins to grow a halo* I reluctantly accept this highly paid and glamorous position

Random Foerman: Well, now that you're in charge, d'you think you could do something about this worker of mine?

Valjean: *admiring his new mayor sash in the mirror* What did she do?

Random Foreman: She's got an illegitimate child

Valjean: *reddens nervously* Oh…you're _not _supposed to have those? *pulls a small boy out from behind the mirror* Then I suppose it's off to the foundling home with you, little Jean-Jean Grantaire

Little Jean-Jean Grantaire: *kicks Valjean* I hate you, Daddy! *runs away crying*

Valjean: *gravely* Oh dear. I hope I didn't permanently damage the lad. What if he grows into a vice-ridden cynic with no self-esteem? *laughs the thought away* Naw!

Foreman: *clears his throat*

Valjean: Oh, uh…right…well, uh-tell her she's fired

Fantine: Fired! Because of my marital status? I've had it! I'm going on a crusade for single mother's rights!

Foreman: Oh no you're not! How on earth are we supposed to keep any workers in our sweatshops with muckrakers like you around? *to Valjean* We've got to keep her quiet, sir!

Valjean: Whatever. I have to go to the children's hospital and find an unrecognizably mangled corpse to present to Jean-Jean's mother.

Foreman: *yanks out Fantine's teeth* There! Let's see you speak out against the injustices of society now!

Fantine: *mumbles unintelligibly through her gums*

Foreman: Hehe! Another day, another dollar…

Fantine: *still muttering through her gums* wehhhayyyygeffffffayyylllaffffufyyyynnnntttthhh (A/N: That means she's decided to turn to prostitution)

****

Several months later:

Bambatois: *leers at Fantine* Haha-Haha-ha! Look at that bald chick! *begins to chuck snowballs at Fantine* Stop throwing snowballs at yourself! Stop throwing snowballs at yourself! Stop throwing snowballs at yourself!

Inspector Javert: *walks by, pompously waving a truncheon* Is there a problem here?

Bambatois: *jumps away guiltily* She started it! 

Inspector Javert: *darkens* Hey, I remember you! You're that gossipy worker girl who revealed to everyone that I was a gypsy! *grins* Payback time!

Fantine: *frantic* _Buwhabowmapodaaaar_?! (Translation: _But what about my poor daughter_?)

Javert: *to one of his underlings* Will you get her some false teeth-that mumbling is really starting to give me the creeps.

Valjean: Hey, Javert, what's going on here? *recognizes Fantine* Oh, hey, Fantine! We still on for tomorrow night?

Fantine: *puts in the false teeth from Javert, crying* The Inspector wants to put me in jail!

Valjean: Jail?

Fantine: And then what will happen to my poor daughter, Cosette? The Thenardiers will surely turn her out if I don't continue to send support payments.

Valjean: Well, what about her father?

Fantine: *scornfully* You mean Babet? Yeah right!

Valjean: *taps his chin thoughtfully* Hmm. A friendless, helpless orphan…?

Fantine: Hey! She's not an orphan _yet_, you know!

Valjean: *ignoring her* This looks like a great opportunity for some saintly deeds! *strikes another heroic pose* Jean Valjean's off to the Thenardiers!

Javert: *rubs his eyes incredulously* Jean Valjean? Hey, I know you! You're that guy who made a mockery of my entire existence!

Jean Valjean: *apprehensively* Uh-oh. Busted! *runs away quickly*

Fantine: Hey! _What about me?_

Javert: *drops Fantine on the ground* I'll deal with you later!

Fantine: *groans* Well, at least I can talk again

Javert: *turns back* Oh yeah! I almost forgot! *snatches the false teeth*

Fantine: *angrily kicks a wall* _Buwhabowmapodaaaar_?! (Translation: _Why always me_?)

****

The Thenardier Inn

Little Cosette: *dressed in rags, sweeps the floor while singing* There is a castle on a cloud…*frowns in concentration* Uh, Auntie Thenardier? I forgot the rest.

Mme. Thenardier: *hugs Cosette* Don't you worry, darling! You'll get your lines memorized in plenty of time. And then you'll be the star of the school play! Now why don't you go take off that horrid costume, and as soon as your Uncie Thenardier and the other kids get home from volunteer duty at the homeless shelter, we'll all have a nice Christmas dinner. Did you put your shoes in the fireplace for Santa Claus?

Little Cosette: *hold up her bare feet* Yes, Auntie Thenardier.

Mme. Thenardier: Good girl!

Valjean: *bursts in through the front door* Misery Patrol! I'm looking for a little girl named Cosette.

Little Cosette: *skips up to him cheerfully* I'm Cosette

Valjean: *scoops her up, a little more tightly than is comfortable for the poor child* It looks like I got here just in time! Look at you! *takes the broom out of her hands* They've got you performing child labor! *eyes her ragged clothes* You're dressed in rags! And look! Your feet are bare!

Little Cosette: But Monsieur-

Valjean: But have no fear, little innocent! For I, Jean Valjean, am here to save you!

Little Cosette: But Monsieur, there's a perfectly logical-

Valjean: *raises a fist threateningly* I'm rescuing you whether you like it or not, you get it?

Little Cosette: *meekly* Yes, monsieur.

Valjean: Good. *hoists Cosette over a shoulder* Now come with me.

Little Cosette: Where are we going?

Valjean: Into hiding. You see, Daddy's a criminal.

Little Cosette: You mean Babet? I already knew that. 

Valjean: *sighs wearily* I meant me

Little Cosette: *pulls away in horror* You're not my daddy! You're a _stranger_! *begins to cry* _Help! He's a kidnapper! Help!_

Valjean: *clamps a hand over her mouth* Quiet and I'll buy you that dolly in the window!

Little Cosette: Okay! So where're we going?

Valjean: To a convent

Little Cosette: *stops in her tracks* But I'm not Catholic. I'm a Unitarian

Valjean: *grabs her wrist and yanks her along* _You're going to a convent and you're gonna like it, you hear_?!

Little Cosette: *sighs resignedly* Yes sir

****

Paris, roughly the same time:

M. Gillenormand: *pounds his cane on the floor* Marius? Oh Marius, come here!

Little Marius: *timidly pokes his head in the door* Yes, Grandfather?

M. Gillenormand: I didn't say Simon Says! Haha! *whacks his grandson over the head with cane*

Little Marius: *sighs wearily* May I go now, Grandfather?

M. Gillenormand: Yes, yes, go on.

Little Marius: *gratefully turns to leave*

M. Gillenormand: *whacks Marius again* I still didn't say Simon Says!

Little Marius: *exasperated* Grandfather, I _do_ have homework

M. Gillenormand: *whacks the boy one last time* All right, all right. Sheesh, you're no fun. Let me know when Cousin Theodule gets here-he's much more entertaining.

Little Marius: Yes sir *runs away before he can be whacked again*

M. Gillenormand: *smiles adoringly* Ah, love that kid…

Little Marius: *sits down at his desk and puts his head in his hands* Man, why couldn't he just leave me with my real parents?

Aunt Gillenormand: Because they ran away with the circus. They were hoping you would be born with two heads or one eye or something so you could join the act, but when you came out a cute little non-mutant, they decided to leave you here and adopt a baby monkey instead.

Little Theodule: Hey, Marius, what's up today? *notes several lumps on his cousin's head* Uh-oh. Is Uncle Luc on one of his Simon Says kicks again?

Little Marius: *nods wearily* 

M. Gillenormand: *bellows from upstairs* _Marius? Theodule? Get in here!_

Little Marius: *leads Little Theodule away* Come on. You can borrow one of my football helmets.

****

Several years later:

Grown Marius: *huddled in the corner with Theodule, both wearing football helmets* Theodule, what are we going to do? We've been hiding in this closet for six hours. Sooner or later, we're going to run out of air

M. Gillenormand: *still bellowing* Marius?!

Theodule: *grabs his sleeve* Shh! Be very still! Maybe he won't find us!

M. Gillenormand: *opens door* Marius, get out here. I've been looking all over for you. Your father is dying

Marius: What? *begins to cry* How terrible! And I never got a chance to-

M. Gillenormand: *whacks Marius* Oh, stop with the dramatics. Don't you ever do any _normal_ teenaged-boy things? Like chasing girls?

Marius: None of the girls will talk to me. They think I'm ugly with all these lumps on my head. *frowns at Gillenormand* I've had it with you, old man! I'm leaving! I'm going to Paris to be a great clown, just like my dad! *laughs hysterically* WHEEEEEEE! I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEE! *runs through the street, still laughing hysterically, until about five hours later, he runs into another young man*

Marius: Oh, sorry, Monsieur…?

Bousset: I'm Bousset *gestures to several others* And these are my friends, Les Amis de l'ABC

Marius: How do you do? I'm Marius Pontmercy. Sorry, I can't stay to chat! I have to go find the circus. I'm going to be a clown! Isn't that exciting? *jumps up and down delightedly*

Courfeyrac: Er, say, I have a better idea. *swings an arm around Marius' shoulder* Wouldn't you rather be a revolutionary? It's glamorous work, and girls dig us rebellious types

Marius: *ducks his head shyly* I'm kinda afraid of girls. 

Enjolras: *grabs Marius by the collar and pins him up against a wall* _You're going to be a revolutionary, and you're gonna like it! HEAR?!_

Marius: *utterly petrified* Y-y-y-yes sir!

Enjolras: *cools down and sets Marius back down* Good boy *pats him on the head* Now, let me introduce you to everyone. This is Courfeyrac, and Combeferre, and Joly, and Bahorel, and Feuilly, and Jean Prouvaire.

Marius: *bows politely* And what's your name? *extends his hand to Grantaire*

Enjolras: DON'T TOUCH HIM! HE HAS COOTIES!

Grantaire: *scowls* There's going to come a time when I won't have to sit around and take your emotional abuse anymore.

Marius: *nods* Yeah. Why do you have to be so mean, Enjolras?

Enjolras: *whacks Marius over the head* Smiley faces and little pink bunnies aren't going to bring in a new era for mankind! So why don't you just go home to your Mommy!

Marius: *sniff* I don't have a mommy!

Les Amis: Aww!

Courfeyrac: You know, Marius is right! Maybe we've been going about this the wrong way.

Les Amis: Yeah!

Courfeyrac: What we need is a new leader!

Les Amis: Yeah!

Courfeyrac: And I can think of no man better for the job than…Grantaire

Enjolras: **_WHAT?!_**

Les Amis: Hooray!

Grantaire: *awed* You like me, you really like me!

Marius: Alright, now that we've got our new leader…to the battlefield!

Les Amis: Yea!

Grantaire: *grabs Marius by the collar* Wait. We _could _probably use some weapons first.

Marius: *sheepish* Oh, right…

Grantaire: What we need is an illegal arms dealer. Scour the city, everyone!

Les Amis: *scatter* Right away, sir! 

Enjolras: *glares expertly* I'll get you for this, Winecask! If it's the last thing I do!

Marius: *skips down the street, whistling* La la la la la! *taps a scroungy gamine on the shoulder* Excuse, Mademoiselle, I'm new here. Could you please tell me where I might find illegal weapons?

Eponine: *turns around, eyes aglow* Wowwwwww…you're prettyful. *snuggles against his shoulder*

Marius: *blush* Why, thank you. I'm Marius.

Eponine: *purring seductively* I'm available

Marius: But don't you think I'm ugly with all the lumps on my head?

Eponine: *pulls his head down and inspects the top* I don't see any lumps

Marius: Oh. They must have gone away! Huzzah! *kisses Eponine*

Eponine: *faints*

Marius: *slaps her awake* Uh, weapons?

Eponine: Oh, right…Daddy, this pretty revolutionary needs to buy some of your guns.

Thenardier: Meet me in the Luxembourg in an hour

Marius: Ooh! The park! Parks are fun! *dances away* La la la la la la la la! 

****

The Luxembourg:

Valjean: Ahh, the park. An ideal place to bring my sweet little girl to play. Would you like to go play on the slide, honey-muffin?

Cosette: *annoyed* Valjean, I'm sixteen.

Valjean: I've had it with your lack of respect. Call me Father!

Cosette: But you're not my father-you're a kidnapper!

Valjean: *waves a fist menacingly* _Shut up…_

Cosette: No! *jumps out of carriage* Haha! I'm FREE! FREE AT LAST!

Valjean: Oh no you don't! *flicks the horse's reins* Follow that orphan!

Cosette: *runs for her life* Help! Help!

Marius: *notices Cosette* Don't worry! I'll save you! *sweeps Cosette into his arms and runs with her*

Cosette: *sigh* Another guy on a hero-trip. Oh well. At least this one's cute…

Marius: *pauses and sets her down* You think I'm cute? *shyly looks at the ground* Aww, gosh…You're cute too

Cosette: *blushing furiously* I am? Hee hee hee…

Marius: Oh heck! *kisses Cosette* 

Cosette: I think I'm in love!

*Corny music begins to play*

Valjean: *speeds by and snatches up Cosette* Oh no you don't!

Marius: Oh no! My beloved what's-her-name! She's gone! GONE FOREVER!!! *sits down on a nearby bench to cry*

****

Three days later:

Marius: *still on bench crying*

Grantaire: Marius? Marius? *spies Marius* There you are! Come on! We're ready to start the revolution, and we need all the help we can get.

Marius: *sigh* Ah well. Now that my beloved what's her name is gone, I guess I have nothing better to do

Grantaire: That's the spirit! I'll meet you at the barricade

Marius: *sigh* Okay…

****

At the barricade:

Valjean: *among the other National Guardsmen* _You're on your own! You have no friends! Give up your guns or die!!!_

Marius: Hey! I know that guy!

Valjean: _Hey! It's you! That kid who tried to steal my daughter_!

Javert: *enters the barricade* _She's not your daughter!_

Valjean: _Javert! What are you doing over there? You're a cop-you're supposed to be on our side!_

Javert: _I quit the force years ago! I'm a beekeeper now! I'm just here on behalf of my wife-Fantine_!

Valjean: _Fantine?!_

Javert: _Yes! Fantine is alive_! 

Valjean: _But I thought you hated her?_

Javert: I did. But that was before she became deathly ill *sigh* She was sooo cute-sleeping like a baby…anyway, she's been trying to hunt you down for years, _kidnapper!_

Valjean: *begins to cry* I know it was wrong of me to kidnap Cosette like that…but *sob* I couldn't help it! I was so lonely…I didn't have anyone at all!

Grantaire: EXCUSE ME?!

Valjean: That voice! It sounds so familiar!

Grantaire: Daddy, it's me! Jean-Jean!

Valjean: *runs out into the street* Jean-Jean!

Grantaire: *runs into his father's arms* Daddy!

Marius: Does this mean you're going to let me have Cosette now?

Valjean: What? Oh, yeah, whatever. Come on Jean-Jean, let's go play catch!

Random National Guardsman #1: This is so touching!

Random National Guardsman #2: Screw the king! Let's just call it a draw and give them what they want

Les Amis: Hooray!

Javert: *to Marius* Quickly-let's go find my stepdaughter!

Cosette: *appears behind them* No need for that, gentlemen.

Marius and Javert: _Cosette?_

Cosette: *nods* Yeah. I broke out right after Valjean went to join the other guardsmen. I was on my way to the barricade to throw a grenade at the old nutcase. But on the way, I bumped into the most handsome young man. And as luck would have it, he was bent on revenge too! *pulls Enjolras into view*

Enjolras: Who needs vengeance when you can have love!

Cosette: *kisses Enjy* Yeah. We're eloping! Later!

Javert: *looks confused* Whatever…

Marius: Now what's gonna happen to _me_?

Eponine: *waves coyly at him*

Marius: *sighs, walking over to her half-heartedly* I can't help but think something's missing here…

Gavroche: Me! Me! You all forgot about me! The Vampire Gavroche! *bares two little fangs*

Eponine: *quirks an eyebrow* We'd better end this before it gets weird!

The End


End file.
